I went to church this morning. When Pastor Ralph asked the Mum's to stand and prayed over us and our children, tears soaked my face. Tears of pain and regret. The pain and regret I've been using wine to still and quiet.
I'm five days sober and I just snapped at Miss 15, she didn't deserve it. Then I told her to check her attitude. I'm awful. Now she won't talk to me and I feel like shit. This happens too often. Today is Mother's day. My three children are almost all grown. I've received an indirect "happy mother's day" wish from Miss 22, (it's complicated, we adore each other but are fragile from a massive three day old argument), a cute text message from Miss 15 (pre-snap), and Mr almost 18, living a huge 618 km away, will face-time later with his smile, guitar and song that will soften this sadness I'm fighting to keep a float in.
Mothers day should be a celebration of ones mother and a day to kick back and receive the blessings bestowed upon you if you're a mum yourself. I celebrated mine cheerfully, sent flowers, chocolate and a balloon...but, for me, Mother's Day triggers an overwhelm of self loathing. I have three children and I love them but I haven't always loved them. When my children were born and up until they were aged 10, 5 and 2, I was a good mum. I battled with some depression and the normal stresses that come with being a single mum but I was a good mum. In 2005 I become heavily addicted to methamphetamine and everything changed. Beating an addiction as evil as Meth is so hard and life doesn't snap back to the good days before the addiction bulldozed your life leaving it in absolute ruins. I'm five years clean from a ten year meth addiction and still carry the guilt of the cruel reality that I caused my children and wider family pain. I hurt them over and over and at the time I couldn't see it. I hurt them by not being there, by pushing them all away and by having them see me so so sick. I think Mother's day will always trigger some pain, some guilt but I need to stop hating myself and trying to numb it all away with drink. So here I am, for what feels like the hundredth time, giving this sober-living thing a go. The cravings haven't hit yet but I know they will, I've been here before...five days in, feeling super clever then in one split second, blindsided with an urge so strong I find myself cruising the alcohol isle feeling so torn, so desperate for change and not knowing how. I don't think there is one right way. Right now, prayer and endless cups of herbal tea are helping.
Fast forward a few hours from that stupid snap at Miss 15, I find, on my bed, a gently placed love letter, flowers and a knock-off-diamond ring, worth more than the real thing...Miss 15 is not only talking to me again, she "loves me so much." Mother's Day will always be hard but not all is lost.
I'm five days sober and I just snapped at Miss 15, she didn't deserve it. Then I told her to check her attitude. I'm awful. Now she won't talk to me and I feel like shit. This happens too often. Today is Mother's day. My three children are almost all grown. I've received an indirect "happy mother's day" wish from Miss 22, (it's complicated, we adore each other but are fragile from a massive three day old argument), a cute text message from Miss 15 (pre-snap), and Mr almost 18, living a huge 618 km away, will face-time later with his smile, guitar and song that will soften this sadness I'm fighting to keep a float in.
Mothers day should be a celebration of ones mother and a day to kick back and receive the blessings bestowed upon you if you're a mum yourself. I celebrated mine cheerfully, sent flowers, chocolate and a balloon...but, for me, Mother's Day triggers an overwhelm of self loathing. I have three children and I love them but I haven't always loved them. When my children were born and up until they were aged 10, 5 and 2, I was a good mum. I battled with some depression and the normal stresses that come with being a single mum but I was a good mum. In 2005 I become heavily addicted to methamphetamine and everything changed. Beating an addiction as evil as Meth is so hard and life doesn't snap back to the good days before the addiction bulldozed your life leaving it in absolute ruins. I'm five years clean from a ten year meth addiction and still carry the guilt of the cruel reality that I caused my children and wider family pain. I hurt them over and over and at the time I couldn't see it. I hurt them by not being there, by pushing them all away and by having them see me so so sick. I think Mother's day will always trigger some pain, some guilt but I need to stop hating myself and trying to numb it all away with drink. So here I am, for what feels like the hundredth time, giving this sober-living thing a go. The cravings haven't hit yet but I know they will, I've been here before...five days in, feeling super clever then in one split second, blindsided with an urge so strong I find myself cruising the alcohol isle feeling so torn, so desperate for change and not knowing how. I don't think there is one right way. Right now, prayer and endless cups of herbal tea are helping.
Fast forward a few hours from that stupid snap at Miss 15, I find, on my bed, a gently placed love letter, flowers and a knock-off-diamond ring, worth more than the real thing...Miss 15 is not only talking to me again, she "loves me so much." Mother's Day will always be hard but not all is lost.
