I wanted the floor to swallow me whole...

I recently experienced a social occasion where I felt so uncomfortable the entire time, I wanted to run or be swallowed by the floor. There were people I didn't know and people I'd met once, some were drinking and some weren't. I think that if I'd been drinking, the anxiety that grew the entire afternoon leading to the occasion, might have been suppressed so that I too would have been able to relax and make banter and breathe and converse naturally instead of feeling the most awkward I can remember ever feeling. If I'd been drinking, maybe I'd not have felt absolutely self conscious of every word and movement made. Maybe I'd not have been so affected that I clear forgot the occasion was in celebration of two peoples birthdays, not one, and maybe I'd not be sitting here now asking myself who am I now in a social setting without alcohol.

Hours before the event, I imagined buying a flask of vodka and secretly swigging a gulp or two before entering. I'm glad I didn't but I wish I hadn't attended at all. Now I'm left with a whole lot of wonder around why it was so damn hard. I wonder if I'll ever be able to attend social gatherings where others are drinking and feel okay. Will I ever learn to fit my skin comfortably and mingle with, meet and chat with people easily while sober.

When the event was over, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I was embarrassed but also just sad that I'd been incapable of enjoying myself for one freaking minute. And I worried that I'd ruined other peoples night by being so obviously uncomfortable.

When I used and drank, I could handle almost any situation. Sometimes I'd truly surprise myself just how well I held myself though some. I could usually gulp down or breath in some confidence-by-chemical and talk to anyone anywhere without breaking a sweat. I love being sober and I certainly don't want to trade it for a night I'll most probably not be able to piece together come morning but I do want to learn how to overcome the overwhelm of anxiety and crippling shyness around meeting new people in a social environment where simply chatting is required and drinking is not an option.