Thursday, June 3, 2021

Here I am one...

Hello Day One, 

Yesterday I poured myself a large glass of wine at 9am, the clock has just ticked to 9:01 so I am officially 24 hours sober and you my dear friend are mine, my Day One. You my dear friend are very very important. You are a life changer, a life saver, a rest, a refection, you are hope and inspiration and I am so thankful for you. It's strange to me how my thoughts and ideas change. There was a time when I didn't like you, I deemed you purely as a reminder of my own weakness and failings but I don't see you that way today, I see you as the start of something good. Without you this good thing; me returning to a life that is full, where I grow, learn, heal and love myself, can't even leave the ground, so you are good and I am so grateful for you. 

As for yesterday, I'm super happy it's...yesterday. Yesterday was so dark, I had hardly slept and was scared I'd waste another day in a depressed, unable to function or think straight state. I was low and stuck but I recognized it for what it was, change was the stair case I needed to climb and only I could take the first steps. My first step was connection. I reconnected myself to the online Living Sober Community; and I shared my truth with others who are living their own journeys of living sober. Within minutes I had responses of understanding and encouragement. This is what I shared...yesterday...

I don't feel like writing but I have to capture this moment of truth, in this moment I know alcohol is making me sick...again. It's hard admitting that after a mostly blissful eleven months of sobriety, I'm now almost an entire year relapsed. I've been lying to myself, "it's fine, I'm not drinking a bottle of wine a night, most nights its half and sometimes only a glass". But I know the truth and the truth is that lately, no mater the quantity of what I end up drinking in a night, I've been unable to go a night without it even when I've wanted to. Just because some nights I only drink a glass or two, doesn't mean I'm not an alcoholic anymore. As soon as Friday arrives or if during the week any shit hits the fan, eg, stresses at work or an emotional trigger/episode arises, that one or two glasses becomes a bottle anyway. So here I am, clinging for dear life because I'm sure that the depression I've been stuck in for the last five days has everything to do with my relapse about to turn a year old. I'm scared that if I don't pull my self out now, I'll become too unwell to pull myself out at all. 

So hello Day-One, my friend.