I was so broken. I was done. I didn't want to die but I couldn't continue. What kept me sober during those very vulnerable first days...I stayed honest. I looked at my life as it truly was. It was hard to do, made me sick to my stomach. I cried buckets. I threw myself deep into the Living Sober community built by Mrs D aka Lotta Dann, I kept the browser open and constantly read other peoples journeys and shared my own, I went to every pm AA meeting locally available. Those first few days were hard, there were many tears, looking back it's a little blurry. I documented the first days on camera, I sat in my pajamas and snot and pressed record and talked to myself. It felt strange but it helped, it helped me to process the muddle my thoughts were in and it allowed me to hear and see how weak and unwell I'd become. Long walks and talks to my maker became my refuge. I began to feel strong and at peace. The miracles and mysteries that have and continue to bless my life today are so so so precious.
But...life can become mundane, stressful, plain-hard. No matter how good life is now, it can't always be roses and sunshine and working forty-plus hours in a new and challenging role could become a trigger for tiredness and stress, both of which have been common triggers to drink for many years. While driving to a meeting recently I noticed I felt average, a little down, stressed, tired...and out of the blue I remembered I was 80 days sober and my whole state changed. This was an awesome experience that taught me how important it is to continue to celebrate achievements and milestones, big and small.
The list of blessings that have come from living sober is long but my favorite most recent is this...I picked up Miss 16 from the airport last night, (she just spent a week holidaying in Fiji), when our eyes met, both our smiles grew big and her first words to me were, "I missed you". Before I stopped drinking, our relationship was so broken and it's hard not to grieve all the time wasted but today is what matters most and today my Miss 16 misses me when she goes away and when shes home shes happy to be home.