180 Days

I'm almost six months sober, I can't quite believe that alcohol has not passed these lips in half a year. I've been in a kitchen alone with a bottle of Absolute. I've held an Apple cider in my hand while feeling really crappy. I've brought my mum a wine with lunch and I've sat at a table celebrating my 41st while two of my party drank beer and cocktails. And although the thought has crossed my mind many times that nothing can stop me from taking a drink, I think back in staunch reply about how much I'm enjoying being sober. I think about all I've gained and how far I've come. I'm so thankful to be six months sober.

However, I'm afraid that I'm in danger of developing an Opiate addiction and that is why I'm sat here writing this now...I've just popped a Tramadol, not because my shoulder has pain (reason said Tramadol was prescribed) I popped a Tramadol because I've some massive emotions and uncomfortable feelings. Have I abused this said Tramadol before ? Honest answer is yes. I'm on the verge of throwing the remaining pills out but what if my shoulder's pain does relapse...relapse ! There's a word ! Have I ? Have I relapsed ? Do I need to wipe my 180 days of sobriety and start again ? Am a fraud or am I catching myself in time ? Does my popping a few Tramadol monthly over the last few months make me an Opiate addict ? I'm scared. I've not written for such a long time. I've not attended AA for such a long time. I believe if I don't start doing both immediately and frequently, I'm in trouble. 

I asked myself, I'm not sure when, weeks ago maybe longer, why I don't feel the need to attend AA anymore or make an effort to write (two absolute life-lines to me during my early sobriety) and I told myself  I'm doing okay so there's no need. I believed I didn't need to attend AA any longer because of how well I was coping with life. And I have been okay, I've not missed a day of work, I've not had a meltdown or had the urge to run and hide in a bottle but then there's this, this sneaky little pill popping. It has to stop. I'll be handing said Tramadol to a family member today for safe keeping - to only be taken when the pain in my shoulder is keeping me from working and or sleeping. And I will attend my first meeting tonight in a long while. This scare has scared me in the right direction and I'm not taking any chances. This Living Sober thing sure seems simple at times but it's also highly complex because I'm human with complex feelings and emotions with regrets and pain and a physiology I don't fully understand yet. I didn't come this far to trade in this record-breaking sobriety for another addiction. Life is too short.