Day Three

I locked in Day three when I first woke, not because I feel strong, I feel like absolute shit. I feel like absolute shit but I'm so desperate for change. There were many tears yesterday, tears of self pity, tears of self loathing, tears as I packed up my daughters room, tears of hard truths, tears because I couldn't sleep, tears when Mum texted me messages of love and hope, tears as I said out loud to the walls and ceiling, "every one just stay away, I don't want anyone near me ever again, just stay away." And the tears are falling now as I write, remembering how it felt to say and mean those words. I need to be alone. It feels right that I'm alone. Perhaps I know that in order to rebuild myself, find my legs again and stay sober, I need to first completely fall apart.